Demons and Writing

I have been struggling.

It is time minus 12 days until the deadline of book #2. I have been working on my next book for 18 months now. Yes started writing this before I even finished The Nourished Baby – before I knew if anyone would like my first book, let alone buy it!

18 months of work which I am bringing all together on a tight deadline – which came a bit sooner than expected. Welcome to the tough as nails world of publishing.

It is tight but doable.

I am actually not worried about getting it done. The writing is not the hard part and I am right on track.

It is juggling all the puzzles pieces outside of my writing that is hard. The boys, the house, the work, the other deadlines, the finances, the never-ending to-do list and my hundreds of tabs open.

Make that the finances times a million.

There is no book advance. There is no bank of mummy and daddy (never has been, never will).

But I am also struggling in another way. Not with the writing. But with me. I am struggling with me.

See when I get close to something. Something I really want all my demons start knocking.

I have not told you much of my back story yet, my life before I left home at 18, but let’s just say it was pretty rough.

One day I will have the courage to speak of that time but right now I don’t.

I have fought these demons everyday since but it is what rares it head strongly at times like these.

Am I worth it?
Am I worthy of having another book?
Will there be people to help me?
Am I worth the help to get it finished?
Will people try to bring me down?
Can I trust people to help me?

I have blogged before about the journey of motherhood on my own and I feel it more than ever at these times. And it just compounds the demons for me.

When we feel worthy of something we take action in line of that – and when we don’t – well we don’t. So not feeling worthy of a book, a second book can be paralysing for me.

This is the side of writing that no one sees.

This is the side where I have to go face to face with my biggest fears.

There have been many times in the last few days where it has literally been just overwhelming.

I have cried.

I have wanted to run away from everything,

My fears and demons nearly winning.

I say nearly because I have kept going.

At times I have had to do just 30 minute blocks listening to music, literally drowning out my fears and demons.

Fueled by my passion to get this book out and help even just one mum. Fueled by all of you who asked for this book – and have already bought it! Fueled by my boys – so much fueled by them, to make them proud, to show them anything is possible. Fueled by those close to me who have stood by me and told me they believe in me, even when I don’t believe in myself (Merrisa, Victoria, Vicky, Heather and many others who have been there).

I am not quite sure how or why but today was the first day since last Friday that I turned a corner. The accumulative affect of all the help that has come through and I think and seeing the book really taking shape as well. This is writing – pushing when you can’t see a way through, pushing past all your fears, pushing at 4am – literally in the dead of the night/early morning.

I am sharing this because it is real. Because overwhelm and fear are real. Because we never see this side on social media and it just does not serve us.

My fears and demons are not going away, but do you know what? Nor am I. I have come this far and this close and it is time now for me to bring this book home.

See you at 4am.

xoxox Dr J