Creating Me-Time - It's A Struggle!

busy-mumAs many of you know I am a busy person. I juggle being a mum (and a wife), running a business, teaching and studying a PhD. I often get asked how do I do it?? To be honest, I don’t really know. What I do know is that I love being a mum AND I love my work. I thrive off being busy, pushing my capabilities and  helping other families lead healthy lives – yet sometimes the balance tips. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it? I think that all I want to do is be a mum and a wonderful wife who manages to keep the house immaculate, have dinner on the table every night and take my child to mummy/baby activities. Though lets be fair, this is not the full picture of a stay at home mummy (just my pretend picture when work gets too much) and I know in my heart I want the best of both worlds – just without the sacrifices.

Last weekend the balance tipped for me. I was behind in my work from the week and needed to work in the weekend (which I do not like doing) – while being a mum, and giving the house much needed attention. There was no foreseeable way I was going to be able to manage it all well. I didn’t want to sacrifice time with Arjun, I also wanted to clean the house and yet I was really under the pump to meet deadlines for Monday. Me-Time was not even in the picture - and I was tired from a full week of work (on broken sleep). The end result was I woke up on Sunday morning and after a rather difficult start to the day with our son, told my husband I wanted to pull out my PhD. By the way, this is not the first-time I have said this and I have no doubt it won’t be the last. I feel like the mountain I have to climb with this is almost insurmountable. It has taken me six months to write my first research article - I have four more to go, and the entire PhD thesis to pull together.

Sigh….rewind to life before baby. Can you remember it? What it was like to have a shower and not have an ear out for your child screaming (or banging on the shower door) to actually be able to shave your legs, wash and dry your hair all in one go? To go to the toilet without little eyes watching you or even just finish a cup of coffee in one sitting? If I had extra work to do, I would just curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and get it done in a morning.

Do not get me wrong, I love our son more than words can describe and would work as hard as I possibly could to give him the best life we can. Yet sometimes I would just like a break – and not a desperate break but real guilt-free time out. I know how important down-time and creative space is for immediate and long-term health but how do you feel ok about giving this to yourself when you are a mum? If I am not working, or spending time with our son then there is house work begging for attention. I remember pre-baby going to friend’s houses with children and swearing that I would not allow our house to be in such a mess – and now my house is possibly worse! In fact my husband does more housework than I do as he sees this as his way to help contribute to giving me more time to work and have one less thing to worry about – yet of course I feel guilty for that too.

On Sunday afternoon my husband and I took turns looking after Arjun so that we both could actually have a long uninterrupted shower (I got to shave my legs AND wash AND dry my hair) I felt like a million dollars. But I can’t help but wonder did I need to get to breaking point for us to create that? We are such newbies in the parenting game so would love to know what has worked for you in creating me-time? I am actually taking this Friday off – completely - an entire day off while Arjun is in daycare from 9-4. Yes I feel guilty about it but also (secretly) a bit excited. I can’t remember the last time I had a day off and child-free – I’m not sure what I will do at this stage but is that not the point?

I’m going to asking some mum’s about this over the next week and will get back to you with other thoughts and suggestions around this topic which is often just brushed under the mat. I also encourage you to take a bit of Me-Time, and try to lose the guilt or at least know that the guilt is normal and is most likely not going away so you may as still take the Me-Time (and I will try taking my own advice here too!) xxx

Comments

  1. KateJune 23, 2014 at 2:14 PM

    I truly believe quality is better than quantity.....and I now apply this to life in general, having a career, being a wife, mother etc etc.....I have found there is little point trying to do "it all" only being able to give small pieces of yourself to each job/partner/child. I have found this results in being spread rather thinly and if I am honest, not doing a great job at anything, just not feeling guilty and being able to say - look at me, I can do it all!!! For me, that meant asking "what is important to me" for example: cleaning the house? So NOT important, so I got a cleaner, did I feel guilty at first? YES!! but only for a brief moment and now I don't even think about it, I just look forward to a nice clean house on a Friday, ready for the weekend! Another example is time with my husband, without children, is this important to me, hell YES! so now at least once a month we have a night, or two, away from the house and the kids, with just each other for company and its awesome! Looking at the big picture, I think one of the most important lessons I have learnt so far is that you create how each and every day and your life pans out, whats going on for you in this moment is a direct result of choices you have made, nothing changes until you take responsibility for that and create the life you want :-)

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  2. Julie BhosaleJune 23, 2014 at 5:30 PM

    Thanks so much Kate wise words of wisdom there!! We are definitely working on creating something new at the moment so it's great to hear different ideas xxx

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  3. RebeccaJune 23, 2014 at 6:23 PM

    Great thought provoking topic Julie. I work with many Mum's and Mum's to be, and it’s a common theme – why is it we find it hard to prioritise a little bit of me time? We all know that taking time to nourish ourselves is so important for our own well-being. Remember what they say in airline safety: you must make sure your own oxygen mask is securely fitted first before you’re in any position to look after others. It really is true, you need to fill up your own tank from time to time to be able to look after others well.

    Demands on our time and energy trigger our stress response, especially when we start to feel we can meet all of these demands – and it’s not surprising given how the demands more than demands quadruple when you add being a mother into the mix, this often deeply rewarding role doesn’t come with the perks of logging of, clocking out, and holiday leave. If you’re not carving out some time, even 10-20 minutes to counteract the effects of stress, say by going for a walk, having a bath, or doing deep relaxation, then you may start to notice the negative effects – like being easier to get run down, to over-react, or to start doubting yourself, or feel guilty because you snapped at your child. These examples are signs your stress baseline is too high and you need to take time to nourish yourself.

    My clients find taking 15-20 minutes to listen to guided hypnotic relaxation helps restore and rebalance. And it gives you a renewed sense of vitality, energy and confidence, even if that’s just a sense that you can cope getting through the day. Plus as a wonderful side effect you’ll get better quality sleep at night, and what Mum wouldn’t benefit from that!

    So if you are finding it hard to prioritise your me-time, or find it difficult to ask someone to help out so you can take time out for self-care, then just remember, you are also doing it for those you love because you need to ensure you’ve fitted your own oxygen mask first before you can take good care of others.

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  4. Julie BhosaleJune 23, 2014 at 8:20 PM

    Love that analogy Becks of the oxygen mask - it can be so easy to forget! I have found your hypnotic audios a life-saver but in the middle of all chaos even those were forgotten!! And I still feel guilty taking that time out - it often comes at moments of exhaustion rather than as a preventative measure. Thanks heaps for your comments and sharing your knowledge here xxx

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